Quote-o-rama:
The Big Television File: A-DSee also:
"Your vacuum cleaner ate my pants. There was nothing I could do." -Pepsi commercial "Well, slap me silly and call me Consuela!" -that weird commercial "Imagination is for turbo nerds who can't handle how kick-butt reality is." _Adventure Time_ "I feel your pain... OK, OK, I don't! I don't understand!" -Trevor, _AEonFlux_ Ali G: Is the brain's memory any good? C. Everett Koop: The brain's memory is perfect. Ali G: Then how come I can't remember me pin number? C. Everett Koop: Well... Ali G: I think it's got like a '4' in it... C. Everett Koop: I can give you a quick answer and say you're stupid. Ali G: Well, that's obviously not the real reason. C. Everett Koop: Well, it's the beginning of truth. _Da Ali G Show_ "It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes." _American Dad_ "They say you dream about the person who's gonna kill you." _American Gothic_ "I have a hobby: haunting people." -Prior, _Angels in America_ Harper: Am I making sense here? Prior: Given the circumstances, yes. _Angels in America_ "I hate America, Louis. I hate this country. Nothing but a bunch of big ideas, and stories, and people dying, and then people like you. The white cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word 'free' to a note so high nobody can reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on Earth sounds less like freedom to me." -Belize, _Angels in America_ "Respect the delicate ecology of your delusions." -the Travel Agent, _Angels in America_ "You are hung up on words, on labels, you believe they mean what they seem to mean. AIDS. Homosexual. Gay. Lesbian. You think these are names that tell you who someone sleeps with, but they don't tell you that...Like all labels they tell you one thing and one thing only: where does an individual so identified fit in the food chain, in the pecking order? Not ideology, or sexual taste, but something much simpler: clout." -Roy Cohn, _Angels in America_ "I feel that something's going to give. It's 1985. Fifteen years till the third millennium. Maybe Christ will come again. Or maybe the troubles will come and the sky will collapse and there will be terrible rain and showers of poisoned light. Or maybe, just maybe, my life is really fine." -Harper, _Angels in America_ "No, Meatwad, you must never hug a mummy." -Frylock, _Aqua Teen Hunger Force_ Meatwad: Did you just see that? Shake: I'm not in the *business* of *seeing* whatever pleases *you.* _Aqua Teen Hunger Force_ Ignignokt: Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. Err: Do it or I'll bow 'em for yah! _Aqua Teen Hunger Force_ "Well, I hope you realize now that nothing strange is going on here. Just a bunch of greasy people living in a swamp." -Sokka, _Avatar_ "Looks like someone had a pretty good bathroom break!" -Sokka, _Avatar_ "In my life, I have never seen anything like it. They would weep, they would pray, they would say goodbye to their loved ones and then throw themselves without fear or hesitation at the very face of death itself. Never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable could help but be moved to tears by their courage... their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships, they used guns. When they ran out of guns, they used knives and sticks and bare hands. They were magnificent." -Ambassador Londo Molari, _Babylon 5: In The Beginning_ Ivanova: You're having delusions of grandeur again. Marcus: Well, if you're going to have delusions you might as well go for the really satisfying ones. _Babylon 5_ "Everyone lies, Michael. The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed for something they didn't do and the guilty lie because they don't have any other choice." -Sinclair, _Babylon 5_ "How many lives is a secret worth?" -Zack Allen, _Babylon 5_ "No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power tyrants and dictators can not stand. The Centauri learned that lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Although it take a thousand years, we will be free." -G'kar, _Babylon 5_ "May God stand between you and harm in all the dark places where you must go." -Egyptian blessing, _Babylon 5_ "You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." -Marcus Cole, _Babylon 5_ "On my world, there are books, thousands of pages, about the power of one mind to change the universe, but none said it as clearly as this." -Delenn, _Babylon 5_ "Ah, arrogance and stupidity all in the same package. How efficient of you!" -Londo Mollari, _Babylon 5_ "Maybe this is as much about terror as it is about territory." _Babylon 5_ "Everything out there has only one purpose: to distract us from ourselves." -G'Kar, _Babylon 5_ Morden: What do you want? Londo: I want my people to reclaim there rightful place in the galaxy. I want to see the Centauri stretch forth their hand again and command the stars. I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power. I want to stop running through my life, like a man late for an appointment afraid to look back or to look forward. I want us to be what we used to be. I want ... I want it all back, the way that it was. Does that answer your question ?" _Babylon 5_ "I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price." -Vir Cotto, _Babylon 5_ "We say there is no choice only to comfort ourselves with a decision we don't want to make." -Lady Morella, _Babylon 5_ "Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot." -Dr. Franklin, _Babylon 5_ "The Babylon Project was our last best hope for peace. It failed. In the year of the Shadow War, it became something greater... Our last best hope for victory. The year is 2260. The place: Babylon 5." _Babylon 5_, season 3 opening Kosh: And so it begins. Minbari assassin: There is a hole in your mind. Sinclair: What do you want? G'kar: No one here is exactly what he appears. Sinclair: Nothing's the same anymore. General Hague: Commander Sinclair is being reassigned. Londo: Why don't you eliminate the entire Narn homeworld while you are at it. Elric: I see a great hand reaching out of the stars. Sebastian: Who are you? ISN Reporter: President Clark has signed a decree today, declaring martial law. Sheridan: These orders have forced us to declare independence. Bester: Weapons supplies. Sheridan: Unless your people get of their encounter suited butts and do something. Zathras: You're the one who was. Kosh: If you go to Z'ha'dum you will die. Lorien: Why are you here? Lorien: Do you have anything worth living for? Delenn: I think of my beautiful city in flames. Sheridan: Giants in the play ground. Sheridan: Now get the hell out of our galaxy. Sheridan: We are here to place President Clark under arrest. _Babylon 5_ fifth season opening "Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another. It changed the future and it changed us. It taught us that we have to create the future or the others will do it for us. It showed us that we have to care for one another, because if we don't, who will? And that the true strength comes from most unlikely places. Mostly though, I think it gave us hope, that there can always be new beginnings. Even for a people like us." -Susan Ivanova, _Babylon 5_ [Narrating as Captain Speirs runs across the battlefield.] "They didn't shoot, probably because they couldn't believe their eyes from what they saw. But the most amazing thing was, after he made contact with I company, he came back." -Lipton, _Band of Brothers_ Winters: These men have been through the toughest training the Army has to offer, under the worst possible circumstances, and they volunteered for it. Buck: Christ, Dick, I was just shooting craps with them. Winters: You know why they volunteered? Because they knew that the man in the foxhole next to them would be the best. Not some draftee who's going to get them killed. _Band of Brothers_ "I've already seen the States, I grew up there. That's why I came to Europe, just wish they told me a war was going on." -Nixon, _Band of Brothers_ Winters: Harry. Fire's not a good idea. Welsh: Just a couple of minutes. We're in a dell. Winters: A dell? Like where fairies and gnomes live? _Band of Brothers_ Spiers: It's nothing new really. I bet if you went back two thousand years, you'd hear a couple centurions standing around yakking about how Tercius lopped off the heads of some Carthaginian prisoners. Lipton: Well, maybe they kept talking about it because they never heard Tercius deny it. Spiers: Maybe that's because Tercius knew there was some value to the men thinking he was the meanest, toughest sonofabitch in the whole Roman Legion. _Band of Brothers_ Malarkey: Hey, Skip! I've been looking everywhere for you, where've you been? Muck: Well, Don, I was at home in Tonnawanda but then Hitler started this whole thing so now I'm here. _Band of Brothers_ Guarnere: I don't know whether to slap you, kiss you, or salute you. I told these scallywags you was okay. Bull: And they didn't listen? Guarnere: Naw, these salty bastards, they wanted to go on a suicide run to drag your ass back. Bull: Is that right? Guarnere: Yeah, I told 'em don't bother. _Band of Brothers_ "We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function. Without mercy. Without compassion. Without remorse. All war depends on it." -Speirs, _Band of Brothers_ [Liebgott translates a speech given by a German general to his troops after their surrender.] "Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for your country. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond, that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace." _Band of Brothers_ "Nothing is sexier than a girl with a death machine." -General Morgan, _Battlebots_ "Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey." _Beavis & Butthead_ "Yeah. Go on with your bad self, Beavis." _Beavis & Butthead_ "Those Canadians are *crafty.*" -Mo Rocca, _Best Week Ever_ [Re: the Macarena.] "We white people *do* like to operate in formation, don't we?" _Best Week Ever_ "Mmm, there's nothing like years-old Crystal Pepsi purchased on eBay. [Takes a sip.] And it's warm, too." -Mo Rocca, _Best Week Ever_ "The Atkins Diet basically means eat lots and lots of bacon for 6 months. Then you lose all the weight because... you... die." -Michael Ian Black, _Best Week Ever_ "We thought we could do no wrong. We ruled Gotham's nights and answered to no one but ourselves." -Barbara, _Birds of Prey_ Guy: Why do we live inside a big clock? Dinah: Uh, he has a point. Helena: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't pick it. Senior superhero chooses the lair. _Birds of Prey_ Jesse: I thought you worked alone. Helena: I keep trying. _Birds of Prey_ "Just because something looks simple doesn't mean it is... and nothing worth having in this life is easy." -Barbara, _Birds of Prey_ "'Darkstrike'? Who comes up with these names?" -Jesse, Birds of Prey_ "If I may be so blunt, Miss Barbara... this mask, this suit... no longer fits." -Alfred, _Birds of Prey_ "You would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I'm reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't even be mentioned even if it could. If you put on a floppy hat and a velvet cod-piece, you might get by as a fool. But since you wouldn't know a joke if it leapt up and gave you a haircut, I sincerely doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed from my service." _Black Adder_ "To you, Baldric, the Renaissance is just something that happened to other people." _Black Adder 2_ "I get it, you're a nun dressed as a slut." _Blind Date_ "Signs of a bad date: noose reference." _Blind Date_ Vincent: What ever happened to whoever it was who used to work here, before me? Hodgins: He joined forces with a serial killer who was the last in a long line of cannibalistic murderers specializing in knocking off members of secret societies and building skeletons out of their body parts. Vincent: Wow. I hope that doesn't happen to me. _Bones_ Booth: Would you like me better if I was a woman? Brennan: No, I would not. Booth: Why? Brennan: I'd be jealous that you might be prettier than I am. Booth: I would be too. I'd be hot! Smokin' hot! _Bones_ Zack: You're supposed to bump my fist with yours. Brennan: Why? Zack: I've been told it's a widely acknowledged gesture of mutual success. Angela: I love it when you two impersonate Earthlings. _Bones_ This is like watching cars mate." -Hodgins, _Bones_ "He's a man of principle, and I mean that as a terrible insult." -Max, _Bones_ "This is the worst ice cream store in the history of the solar system!" -Thundercleese, _The Brak Show_ "Who has more faith in God than those who have borne witness to His fury?" -Justin, _Carnivale_ "Before the beginning, after the great war between Heaven and Hell, God created the Earth and gave dominion over it to the crafty ape he called man. And to each generation was born a creature of light and a creature of darkness. And great armies clashed by night in the ancient war between good and evil. There was magic then, nobility, and unimaginable cruelty. And so it was until the day that a false sun exploded over Trinity, and man forever traded away wonder for reason." -opening, _Carnivale_ Jonesy: I don't wanna ruin this. Sofie: You won't. It's different. I'm different. Jonesy: But I ain't. _Carnivale_ [to Justin] "We gotta get you on the radio. People are gonna go nuts." -Dolan, _Carnivale_ Samson: Lyle, I'm tellin' you this operation is 100% legit. Sheriff Lyle: I never heard an honest man use "legit". _Carnivale_ [Ben, unbeknownst to him, is translating Latin] Ben: "In hoc signo vinces." By this sign you will conquer. Samson: When did you learn Latin? Ben: Latin? _Carnivale_ "Every prophet in his house." _Carnivale_ "The clock is ticking, brothers and sisters, counting down to Armageddon. The worm reveals himself in many guises across this once great land; from the intellectual elite cruelly indoctrinating our children with the savage blasphemy of Darwin, to the craven Hollywood pagans, corrupting them in the darkness of the local bijou, from the false prophets cowering behind our nation's pulpits to the vile parasites in our banks and boardrooms and the godless politicians, growing fat on the misery of their constituents. The signs of the end times are all around us, etched in blood and fire by the left hand of god. You have but to open your eyes, brothers and sisters. The truth is that the Devil is here. The Anti-Christ, the Child of Lies, the Son of Darkness walks among us cloaked in the flesh of a man. Does the Lord not weep at this degradation? Does He not tremble with righteous fury? And shall he not seek retribution? I open my eyes and I see a black sky that tears apart and screams with a voice that is thunder, 'Rise up, rise up brothers and sisters and take your place at my side. For you shall be my scythe and your face shall shine like a thousand suns and the streets shall be sanctified by the steaming black blood of the heretics.' And together brothers and sisters, together we shall build a shining temple, a kingdom that will last for thousands and thousands of years." -Justin, _Carnivale_ "I smell something burning. Oh, it's my career." Michael Boatman, _Celebrity Mole_ "For the record, I will not kneel before Zod." _The Colbert Report_ "Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions." _The Colbert Report_ "They say Lady Bounty is very fickle, you know." -Spike, _Cowboy Bebop_ "Some promises are made to be broken. In fact, most are." -Faye, _Cowboy Bebop_ "Give him the once-over. In fact, do it twice!" _Cowboy Bebop_ "Hackers are boring, and chasing them is more boring." -Spike, _Cowboy Bebop_ "What is this, 'Annoy The Billionaire Day'?" _The Critic_ "I've created a new chart of diseases I'd rather have than watch this film." _The Critic_ Tucker Carlson: You should teach at journalism school. Jon Stewart: You should go to one. _Crossfire_ "President Bush has been very clear that through his leadership, he has made the world safer.... my question to you is simply this: How much safer can the world afford to have him make us?" -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_, 2006 "Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we ve only got two armies left to deploy Salvation and KISS." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "Congressman Davis says the investigation may not end with baseball. [Clip of 'Meet' with Russert: 'What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?' Davis: 'Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time.,] Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "President Bush visited with soldiers yesterday in an effort to f*ck up morale. I'm sorry, that's buck up morale... [Video of President Bush: 'Today's war on terror will not end with a ceremony on the deck of a battleship.'] Mr. President, if you're asking me not to trust ceremonies on the deck of battleships, I'm way ahead of you." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "There is good news back home. Congress finally signed a bill approving a bill completely reorganizing America's intelligence community. And all is took was three years of nagging from grieving 9/11 widows. Cause you know, it was a back burner thing for Congress. It ain't Freedom Fries, people." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "Condoleezza Rice brings an impressive resume to her new job [as Secretary of State.] The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "If you're a Democrat, you win when people think." -Bill Clinton, _The Daily Show_ 2004 "We begin tonight with a shakeup in the cabinet. After serving President Bush for four glorious, terror-filled years, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced his resignation yesterday with a statement reading in part, '...the objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.' OK! Done, and done. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to cure cancer. Call you after turkey day. The resignation came in the form of a five-page letter Ashcroft handwrote so that, quote, 'its confidentiality could be maintained.' So apparently America is safe other than the computers at the Justice Department. But really, how important are those intelligence-wise?" Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "There has been some talk that [Kerry] is on this program instead of some other news programs... perhaps _Meet the Press_, and I can assure you, I've met the press, he's not missing anything. Really." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "No matter what your political persuasion is, I hope tonight there was something in the program that disappointed you." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!" -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." -Jon Stewart, on Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage _The Daily Show_ "We are not a news show, obviously. Some people confuse us with a news show, they say 'are you a news show?' And that either says something terrible about the state of news in this country, or something terrible about the state of comedy on our program. I prefer to think it both." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ Steven Carell: Can you describe what we're looking at here? Artist: What you're looking at is based on a lifetime of study, observation. I'm trying to make a comment about society and the way we live today. Steven Carell: It's a guy having anal sex with a fox. Artist: Uhmmm... _The Daily Show_ "Oh Fox! Why won't your animals attack when we need them?!" -Lewis Black, _The Daily Show_ "As you know, I don't get angry easily..." -Lewis Black, _The Daily Show_ "The Internet has revolutionized gambling and pornography. Now, it's set its sights on politics." -Ed Helms, _The Daily Show_ "Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean? I'm not sure Dean can recover from this. After all, the last person Al Gore endorsed for president was... Al Gore. And we all know how _that_ turned out." -Rob Corddry, _The Daily Show_ "Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "These kids might as well start crying about prom now." -Lewis Black, _The Daily Show_ "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ... There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show Richard Lewis: "I'm a recovering alcoholic..." Jon Stewart: "It doesn't show." _The Daily Show_ "Which side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army, flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is democracy." -Stephen Colbert, _Daily Show: Indecision 2002_ "Incidentally, if you're interested in joining the Socks the Cat Fan Club, print your name and address on a postcard, tie your hands and feet together, and throw yourself into the ocean." -Jon Stewart, _The Daily Show_ "We aren't the only ones who know that Bush is an inarticulate buffoon. His handlers know that, as well, and that's why he's so protected. It's an unfortunate thing, because it shields us - not just as people in the media, but as citizens who should know who our leader is. Whereas when I watch C-SPAN and see Tony Blair in the House Of Commons, I'm like, 'Yes! You are awesome!' He is so in control of every nuance of information that has anything to do with the world. Imagine what would happen if we held our president to that standard of articulation and awareness of what's going on around him." -Ed Helms, the Daily Show Daria: You were trying to buy my influence with a date? Quinn: That's the way we do things here in America, comrade. _Daria_ "When you wear big shoes, the rest of you looks even cuter by comparison!" _Daria_ "Why don't they just put Marmaduke to sleep?" -Daria's dad, _Daria_ Stone Phillips: "Is it true you put on baby oil before going out?" The Rock: "Well just between us, The Rock will put on a little body sheen. Not baby oil. That's the wrong terminology, Stone." Stone Phillips: "Body sheen?" The Rock: "The Rock uses body sheen." Stone Phillips: "Is the body sheen made by Johnson and Johnson?" The Rock: "The Rock can't disclose that information right now." _Dateline NBC_ The Rock: "I was very fortunate to be compared one day to Barbara Streisand, in terms of being an all-around entertainer." Stone Phillips: "Now, wait a minute, time out. Somebody's comparing you to Barbara Streisand?" The Rock: "Well, absolutely. The Rock can sing when he wants to sing. He can dance. He can just do this. He can do that." Stone Phillips: "Just because you can do it, doesn't make you Barbara Streisand." The Rock: "No, but then again, Barbara Streisand isn't The Rock, nor will she ever be." Stone Phillips: "Are we having this conversation?" _Dateline NBC_ "Uncle Oswidge! Fang is being mean to breakfast!" _Dave the Barbarian_ "We all have... complicating obligations." -Alma, _Deadwood_ "Why do I feel lucky we didn't meet across a poker table?" -Silas, _Deadwood_ "You, Al, are an object lesson in the healing powers of obstinacy and hostile disposition." -Doc Cochran, _Deadwood_ "So many put the Yellowstone atop the natural wonders, Johnny - for me there's only you." -Al, _Deadwood_ "Tell Wu that drunk best not get by his pigs till I've had my way with the corpse." -Doc Cochran, _Deadwood_ "Let's leave it all alone. I'm stupidest when I try to be funny." -Al, _Deadwood_ Hickok: You know the sound of thunder, Mrs. Garret. Alma: Of course. Hickok: Can you imagine that sound if I asked you to? Alma: Yes, I can, Mr. Hickok. Hickok: Your husband and me had this talk, and I told him to head home to avoid a dark result. But I didn't say it in thunder. Ma'am, listen to the thunder. _Deadwood_ "Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh..." -Al, _Deadwood_ "I wouldn't trust a man who wouldn't try to steal a little." -Al, _Deadwood_ "It must cost you sleep - the guests you drive off, the chances at thieving and bilking you lose needing to rub against your betters." -Otis Russell, to E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_ "I don't collude and I don't cahoot." -Al, _Deadwood_ "We all have bloody thoughts." -General Crook, _Deadwood_ "I don't feel like I know anybody anymore..." -Tom Nuttall, _Deadwood_ Tom Nuttall: When you first got to camp and put your sign up for nickel booze and 50-cent pussy... Al: Them was get-acquainted prices. Tom: And you had your knife at the ready, if I didn't make a good impression. Al: True enough, but you did. Tom: And Dority made a hell of an impression. Al: That too, is true enough. _Deadwood_ "I told her not to worry about your moods, that you generate those yourself and then think of the excuses for having them." -Doc Cochran, to Al, _Deadwood_ "That's a real generous perspective, Reverend." -Saul, _Deadwood_ "Al, I have hoped for this conversation ever since you gave me the Indian head to hide!" -Johnny, _Deadwood_ "I wouldn't surprise if you had a lesion in your goddamned head, and that's what's givin you the seizures and generatin' your chats with the goddamn divinity. No goddamn offense inteneded." -Doc Cochran, to Reverend Smith, _Deadwood_ rider: God bless you, Mr. Swearengen. Al: Well, not likely. But my prospects have just improved. _Deadwood_ Cy: True or not, Eddie? When a man wets his end in Nebraska pussy, his life is changed forever. Eddie: Speaking only for myself, I still mark the anniversary. _Deadwood_ Jane: I'm calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn't try to stop me. Farnum: Be brief. Jane: Be fucked! Farnum: Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages. _Deadwood_ "I see more misery out of them moving to justify theirselves as them that set out to do harm." -Doc Cochran, _Deadwood_ "Some goddamn point a man's due to stop arguing with hisself and feeling twice the goddamn fool he knows he is, 'cause he can't be something he tries to be every goddamn day without once getting to dinnertime and fucking it up. I don't want to fight it anymore, understand me Charlie? - and I don't want you pissing in my ear about it. Can you let me go to hell the way I want to?" -Hickok, _Deadwood_ Stapleton: That man's gun never left his holster Mr. Hickok Hicock: He meant me harm. Tom Mason: You killed my brother... Hicock: And now I killed you. _Deadwood_ "President Lincoln, I have just elected you to kick George Washington's butt." _Dexter's Laboratory_ "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." _The Drew Carey Show_
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