Quote-o-rama:
Seanbaby

This might as well be a tribute page to the coolness of Seanbaby and seanbaby.com which are worthy of a cult of personality.

"I can't tell what's more embarrassing -- jumping out of a plane with no
 parachute, or getting saved by Hawkman."

"And trust me, if something can take out Race Bannon, you're not going to
 be able to stop it without Mechagodzilla."

"These little bastards are one latino hermaphrodite in a wheelchair away 
 from you checking all the items off your multicultural scavenger hunt 
 list. They seriously look like the bridge of a Star Trek spaceship that's 
 flown through a retard nebula."

"I can't tell you how it ends because I don't know. If at this point
 you're strong enough to still hear the movie through the sound of your 
 own screams, then thanks for reading this video review, Bruce Willis."

"That raises an important question: Where did the artist drawing
 superheroes fighting donuts meet the programmer who wanted to make a game
 about Diabetes? At some kind of Dumbest Ass Ideas Ever convention?"

"Screaming shit can cheer up all kinds of people. Drive by a goth club and
 yell 'SKELETOR!' out the window. They get so excited you'll think you got
 elected President Dracula"

"Did the Egyptians intentionally learn the secrets of necromancy to
 terrorize our modern world with the walking corpses of their pharaohs?"

"Fun Fact: Never trust anyone from space."

"I just stepped in a big pile of sassy."

"Internet forums bring out the worst of humanity: stupid irrational 
 egomaniacs telling each other how much they hate everything. Getting
 bothered by it is like reading 'FUCK YOU' on a bathroom wall and saying,
 'Fuck ME!? H-how DARE they!!'"

"Art would like to think that it's some sort of secret communication
 device between the intellectual elite, but all it's doing is circling a
 message through the same group of fags that they're all pissed off. It's
 a waste of time; you can tell someone you're pissed off with a simple
 karate chop. Karate attacks or just words about karate attacks are a
 cleaner and faster means of communication than painting floating  
 eyeballs with your body fluids ever will be. That's what makes this
 exploding cow so special. It wasn't a visual interpretation of some
 profound statement. It needed to happen because there are no words that 
 will ever be as rad as filling a cow with dynamite and dropping it from
 the sky. Unless you're a hypnotist and you say the words, "Take off the
 Wonder Woman outfit and make out with your twin sister."

"It's a common misconception that art has meaning. I've been to enough
 gallery critiques to know that after 8 years of art school, a person can
 trick themselves into thinking some ass-colored paint splat is telling
 them something about how smart they are. Don't fall for this. Any
 painting that has a secret meaning is just an artist sucking his own dick
 about how some people can't unriddle their profound wisdom. And their
 profound wisdom is usually that yellow looks pretty next to purple, they
 don't like television, or how the government should fill their asshole
 with sexy miniature firemen."

"It's impossible to do something cool without outraging someone. In fact,
 I usually judge how cool I'm being by how many angry people are following
 me with signs."

"Some might say that having an ugly little dynamite-covered pacifist guard
 an ammunition/panda depot is crazy. But maybe it makes the most sense of
 all."

"To imagine the music they dance to, picture a march song written by a
 tone-deaf homosexual cartoon character, which should put a strain on your
 imagination since then you have to picture the grim horror of a future
 world where music like it wouldn't be immediately made illegal and
 destroyed."

"And while I'm on the subject of taking personal offense at public
 announcements, why do U2 songs keep telling me not to kill people because
 of their color? I don't even do that, you stupid dicks. Sometimes when
 they come on I scream back at the radio, "Hey Bono, why don't you stop
 lighting hitchhikers on fire?" and then change the station to someone
 who gives less insulting advice like, 'You've got to Move it! Move it!'"
					-from Seanbaby's E3 report

"I'd still rather take shit on an angry hari krishna than in an evil
 robotic airport toilet, even if that hari krishna was a barrel of
 alligators."
					-from Seanbaby's E3 report

"At a certain age, the stupid start screaming for censorship probably as a
 last-ditch effort to impress God before they die. You never see geniuses
 or young people trying to take away movies, art, or video games. Maybe
 they're just selfish and want their toys. Or maybe they know that if
 someone is getting kill messages from their TV, taking away their TV
 isn't going to help. Because toasters, ashtrays, and talking sweaters can
 help plan a murder just as well."

"If you really need someone to tell you not to blow yourself up, it's
 a waste of their time to do so."

"Yesterday in the grocery store I seriously heard an instrumental version
 of Disco Inferno _played entirely with flutes._ If there ever was a war 
 against pansies, we lost. We lost bad."

"Because this is America, and you're free to be as helplessly stupid as
 you want."

"Robin, if you carry around a Special Mummy Ray Gun in your panties, it
 better fucking work on mummies."

"This site is intended for people over 18, but only because kids shoot   
 each other if they hear the word 'fuck.'"

"Let me tell you why I started my crack habit. It's because I didn't want
 anyone to think that those anti-drug commericals worked on me. Because
 I'd rather be a god damn crack whore than one of the geeks that just says
 no in the after school special."

"Hey, I'm sorry Spider-Tourrettes, but sometimes it's more witty to just
 shut the fuck up."

"The Lord is a pretty cool guy. One time at camp, he stuck my hand in warm
 water and made me pee frogs."

"Like I said, I know I can be an asshole, and I fully understand how 
 insane and hypocritical I can sound when I give moral advice. I don't 
 have the luxury of self delusional sainthood; I'm just barely smart 
 enough to know I'm an idiot and just barely too lazy to care. "

"The Flash's arch-nemeses were Gorilla Grodd and Captain Cold. In
 someone's crazy mind the perfect counter for super speed was an eskimo
 with a snowball gun and a talking monkey."

"And I don't care what theological horror stories you've heard from your
 comparative religion course, three millenia of Pepsi girl kicks the shit
 out of any existing religion's concept of hell."

Seanbaby: I love Flash Gordon so much that I made a page entirely about it
	and Bloodsport. But that was back when I could barely form a
	sentence without sounding like an idiot.
Erik: That doesn't help narrow down the date, Sean.
Seanbaby: Don't Tango-and-Cash me, dickhead.

"Some experts offer a different view on why the Olympics seperate by
 gender. It's because if there was ever a male rhythmic gymnast prancing
 on a nap mat with a hula hoop and a ribbon or whatever the fuck goes on
 in that crap, it would become the duty of every other man on Earth to
 stick that hula hoop up the guy's ass. If that's true, and trust me, it
 is, the Olympics are saving butt doctors valuable time by keeping the
 sexes apart."

"Anyone interested in joining the Volto from Mars fan club is encouraged
 to learn to fucking read."

"And if the nude pictures of Lynda Carter I have don't count as a holy
 sign, you're going to have to send me a very detailed list of what one
 is."

"So the appeal can't be the guessing part. Most people get the Mexican
 channel, and after a few minutes, you get tired of trying to figure out
 what the fuck is going on. They'll have a puppet announcing an event   
 where kids in capes throw cottage cheese at each other in a wading pool,
 and you'll give up. Whatever those people are doing, you don't want to  
 know. That's how this game is. The pictures you're supposed to identify 
 are as confusing as Latin television programming, but with way fewer    
 tits."

"Lawsuits are destroying our ability to survive. We may be too stupid to
 get through a cup of coffee without help, but we're smart enough to know
 that our idiocy can make us rich."

"Maybe you've seen Erik and my sites. We're not going to win the Nobel
 Love Prize. In fact, we're almost professional dickheads. I say the word
 'retard' more than 'thank you,' and you already read about how for two  
 years Erik was writing and drawing stories about superheroes punching   
 pregnant women in the stomach."

"The Olympics are smart enough to take away people's medals for using cold 
 medicine, and even a sporting event as modern and enlightened as that
 makes the sexes run in different races. You might not have noticed, but
 that's sexism on a grand and fantastic international scale. It might be
 because men are faster, but it also might be because halfway through the
 race, they know women will get all emotional and start crying and the men
 will try to pour beer on them and start a wet t-shirt contest."

"Here's a fun trick you can play on the government: When the census worker
 ask you your ethnicity, looked them straight in the eye and tell them
 you're an eskimo. The government will give all the statistics to the
 corporations that own it, their marketers will think we're all eskimos,
 and they'll try to sell us cigarettes by dangling whale blubber in front
 of us."

"As you can see, the Calculando Calrissian 2000 is a terrifyingly
 complicated piece of machinery. It's smarter than us and dangerous, so we
 left it in the room with all of the spare robot parts and laser guns so
 we could forget about it."

"Way to go, but being the funniest war movie is a lot like being the best
 looking child molestor. You only won because no one else entered the damn
 contest, and it probably shouldn't have been held in the first place."

"I don't have anything against Woody Allen movies, but I want to see
 another 'love song to Manhattan' about as much as I want to watch old
 people challenge fat people to a makeout contest. I give up, New Yorkers.
 You're better than me. I admit it. Now shut the fuck up about it
 already."
                                        -Erik

"If you think the skeleton fight in _Jason and The Argonauts_ is funny,
 you'll probably like these Katherine Hepburn movies, because she's an
 evil fucking skeleton. She scares the crap out of me. She's so
 supernaturally unkillable that in most of her films nobody even tries
 to."

"See, foreigners not only love America, they love the crap we throw away."

"When you sign the employee agreement at McDonalds, it's basically a cease
 and desist order to your genitals. And since I can't think of any better
 way to judge a person other than how many women they can get sex with,
 this makes them some of history's worst people. Not to mention the last
 people that should ever, ever be touching our food."

"Some errors were like Japanese puppeteers, where you can see the men in
 black robes contolling the octopus puppet when it attacks the school girl
 puppet, but it's the job of the audience to pretend not to notice them
 and concentrate solely on the horrible puppets while they rape one
 another with their tentacles."

"It takes five minutes to learn everything you need to know to be a
 superhero. You do really stupid things and talk to yourself while they're
 going on, and if you happen to be foreign, then speak every fifth word in
 your native tongue. There, you're done. Go find someone with a gun that
 melts human flesh and punch them."

"You should note that the men of Portal of Evil don't know anything about
 cute. We make jokes about eating babies and link to sites where people
 slowly beat animals to death to get them to taste better. So the judges
 for the contest will not be me, Mark, Erik, and Chet, but our 
 girlfriends."

"But Japan has practically no superheroes which is probably why Godzilla
 chose it as his jogging route."

Seanbaby: Didn't your mom ever tell you "Don't dance with the devil,
	'cause the devil's got issues?"
Megaman: No...
Seanbaby: Neither did mine!
					-Seanbaby's Reader Comics

"The one thing we learned from our experiment in film criticism is that
 building uncontrollable superior artificial intelligences out of weapons
 and explosives isn't as good an idea as it sounds."

"Keep in mind that my only expertise in African ecology is in the area of
being a suspected panties retailer."

Page by: Paul M. M. Jacobus (paul@otd.com)
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