Because, Lord knows, what the Internet needs is another Futurama quotes site.
The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site
Can't Get Enough Futurama
"Well, now everything is back as it was. And if history doesn't care that out degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?" -Professor Farnsworth "Full price for gum?! That dog won't hunt, Monsignor." -Fry "My old life wasn't as glamorous as my webpage made it look." -Leela "With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!" -Professor Farnsworth Bender: Fry! Stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorise a lot of new kings when I get back! Fry: I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear. "But that's not why people watch TV. Clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared." -Fry Bender: Don't worry guys, I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me. Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just little less evil than that? "As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wonderous thing happened, why not? They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets - including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them - Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could've been happier, unless it would've also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!" -Zoidberg "Why can't she just drink herself happy like everyone else?" -Bender "Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable..." -Professor Farnsworth Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote. Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree. Professor: But, like most politicians he promised more than he could deliver. "That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney!" -Fry "Bodies are for hookers and fat people!" -Bender "I'm gonna drink 'til I reboot!" -Bender "Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong." -Leela "1947 can kiss my shiny metal..." -Bender "Aw, he looks like a little, insane, drunken angel." -Amy Gore: I'm Al Gore. And these are my Vice Presidential Action Rangers! A group of top nerds who's sole duty it is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum. Fry: I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate. Gore: That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution. "Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage." -Professor Farnsworth "Is he dumb or just ugly?" -Bender "Leave him alone! It's not his fault he's an unstoppbale killing machine." -Leela Fry: Heya, Bender, what are we doing in this bad neighborhood? Bender: Shut up, square! "Pine trees have been extinct for eight hundred years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty." -Professor Farnsworth "I'm the first one to work, a new low." -Bender "And once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and go into people's houses and wreck up the place!" -Nixon "Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg!" -Zoidberg "Sold your body?! Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants." -Professor Farnsworth Hermes: And as a further cost cutting measure, I have eliminted the salt-water cooler. Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt! "The point is, by my standards, I won fair and square." -Bender "If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprahism or Voodoo." -Professor Farnsworth Robot Devil: The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle. Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy? Robot Devil: Well it's mostly for show. Leela (whispering): Do you know how to play the fiddle? Fry (whispering): No, do you? Leela: (whispering) No but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar. (talking) What happens if we lose? Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller silver fiddle. Also I guess I'll kill one of you. Uh, him. Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties. Zoidberg: Really? I better keep an eye out at the next meeting. "This wangs chung!" -Leela Fry: "But, but, won't that change history?" Professor: "Oooh... A lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-my-own-grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already. Screw history!" Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate. Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint. "Choke on that, causality!" -Professor Farnsworth Fry: Um, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant? Leela: You idiot, we already saw that. Fry: I know, I liked it. I wanna see it again. Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again, ask something less stupid. "Nixon with charisma? My God! I can rule the universe!" Farnsworth: I'm sorry Fry but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's. Fry: What?? Farnsworth: Oh my yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it Zoidberg? Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here. "Quit squawking, fleshwad!" -Bender Fry: Who was that guy? Bender: Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work! "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies!" -Morbo "Bender! Quit giving the slave drivers pointers." -Leela Fry: And I can deliver them! Billions and billions in one night. Santa: Bah! No human could do all that. Fry: Evil Knievel could! Santa: Nuh-uh! "I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them." -Leela "This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!" -Lurr Amy: Ooh, nice shoes. Lisa: Thanks! Amy: Do they come in women's sizes? "Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual!" -Amy "You've succeeded in convincing me life is worth living. By showing how bad my funeral will suck!" -Bender Leela: Have you seen today's news? Bender: 'High school gym renovations on schedule.' What a load! Leela: No! Over here! 'Flying saucer captured.' Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass! "Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales." -Fry "That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us so long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building." -Professor Farnsworth Santa: Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications. Bender: Oh yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either! But that didn't stop me. "'Blackmail' is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion.' The 'X' makes it sound cool." -Bender "Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at." -Nichelle Nichols Fry: Cool! So there's an infinite number of parallel universes? Professor Farnsworth: No, just the two. Amy: Oh no, someone you know must have died! Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies, those guys suck! "Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not!" "Up wherever your species traditionally crams things!" -Hermes "I never thought it would end this way, gunned down by Santa Claus." -Fry Professor Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that might win me the Nobel Prize. Leela: In which field? Professor Farnsworth: I don't care -- they all pay the same. "I like having her around because she's the same blood type as me." -Professor Farnsworth God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you; and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket. Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all. Hermes: He'll be as strong as Hercules and as flexible as Gumby, combined! Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercles? I love that guy! "All civilization is just an effort to impress the opposite sex."
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